i believe in my own fairytale with a screwed ending and beginning.
romantic notions, nah. i don't come up with romantic shit, so it wouldn't come as a surprise if i refuse to do the champs rubbish, would it?

i wanna sing a misguided love duet,
i wanna have a perfect prince to tend for my every need, (maybe not perfect. i've learnt that too perfect is an imperfection in itself.)
i wanna have a chipmunk as my very best friend,
i wanna wear puffy stupid dresses, just to pretend to be a princess for a while,
i wanna use a credit card to make my dream come true,
i wanna drop my glass slipper and climb a building to save my one true love from a blue dragon that can't fly.
i wanna look into my love's eyes and, like, have a moment of intense I-CAN-SEE-RIGHT-INTO-YOUR-SOUL.

HEE. maybe i'm a romance kind of person after all xD

**

today was a horrible day.
100 gb wears pink heels. (i'm gonna buy pink heels. wonder if it's a statement of true obsession. i'm staring at said statement now. yea. it's definitely a statement of true obsession.)
i realise that i shouldn't make last minute choices, because i'm MADE TO BE fickle. i need time to think through, then change my mind about a thousand times, before i decide on something. and right now, that something is going to cause me to rethink about doing something i'm not very willing to do. hell knows i wouldn't cope well.
singing the staring-out-the-window-and-sings-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah thing doesn't help my mental health,
and i'm currently craving for shaker fries before it's gone again.

oh, and have i mentioned that i almost fainted today? :/
i really have to watch it. sooner or later i'll fall sick.
wonder if it's gastric pains, or what. it's definitely caused by too much stress, that, i know.
and right after that, a headache that had me vision going blurry and blackey with spots that are scary!
(no, i hadn't meant to rhyme that well ._.)

spending time in that environment will have my health deteriorating :/
it's.. sheesh.
everyone's bitching about how, hmm, erhem, sucks,
and then you as an ex member have to hear them bitch,
wondering if you shouldn't have left at all, because it wasn't like they needed evidence that practically everyone is UNMOTIVATED.

ah, guess it's not my business.
and no, i'm not gonna care. it's precisely the way i care so much that has brought me to this stage.
i wouldn't mind going back, but don't expect me to show up every single practice, because i'm not prepared to commit so much.
not to mention there's some opposition to the idea of going back, back at home.
if i have to hear about how i should just have zero cocurricular activities again, i will explode.

nah, blogging is pretty exhausting.
i shall go do my ten times correction for practicals.
yes, i'm one of the ones who made 100 gb angry. ><

swing swing ;
9:17 PM;

humour is a good thing,
but when you realise you have a grim smile on your face rather than a real one,
i'd rather it was, in actual fact, a bad thing.

let karma bite your ass :D

i'm buying the freaking vcd.
but no, i don't believe in true love's kiss.
and i don't believe that to LET HER KNOW, you have to attract cockroaches.
most girls will go screaming first.

does any twilight fan out there realise that the prince is called edward and the real guy is called robert?
xD

but i'd like to open a window one day,
and sing ah ah ah ah ah,
and dream of a true love's kiss.

just because i think nobody's gonna come along and change my mind,
doesn't mean i ain't attracted to that touchy feely princessy lovey type of thing.
i'm a girl after all. we girls, SQUEAL.
get over it.

swing swing ;
11:41 PM;

bloody eyes.
if the rest of my body can endure,
YOU CAN TOO.

so stop making me squint. those tutorials and lecture notes are intimidating,
I NEED TO WORK ON THEM.

bloody eyes TT

swing swing ;
11:00 PM;

i did a little song, and it was horrid.
i did a little dance, and it was morbid.

i probably wouldn't like, this empty shell i'm in. the house feels so empty, without the tension, sure. but with all the bits of
unspoken words,
distrust,
injustice,
and wrong claims.

you have no idea what your little antics did do, have you?
you think it's all fun and games, for your little amusement,
but you didn't pause to think about how it'd affect me,
how it'd affect her,
how it'd affect him,
how it'd affect us.

you didn't, did you?

go on, scream all you want.

and when finally, when this is all over,
all in the past of an ominous tune,
all in the dark of hidden hatred,

i hope you feel the guilt,
and you wouldn't be seeing me feel guilty for wishing you hell either.

i hope you feel shame.
what you did was not right.
i hope you feel like you're losing your humanity,
because you are.
don't deny it.

i hope i will get over this phase soon.

swing swing ;
9:32 PM;

It feels real to have goals again.
It feels good, even.

But I don't know whether I wna take the risk,
cus it seems like every goal I build,
I disappoint myself even more.

But at least it's real, right?
Risks I hate,
but I've got to be real this time.
Right?

Ah this is such a crap post.

(I just wish you were right, zk. You have faith in me, but I'm not sure how to go about trusting myself again.)

swing swing ;
9:07 PM;

swing swing ;
12:30 PM;

okay i declare myself screwed.
i have this weird profound attraction towards dolls,
and yet am terribly afraid of them.

but some are just so pretty..
.. and creepy at the same time.

grahs.

swing swing ;
6:54 PM;

Because after all, I haven't been as innocent as everyone liked me to be, have I?

**

Staring at the unfriendly scrawl on my notes,
I can tell when I've been nodding off, frantically trying to keep awake.
(I might as well have been dead.)

Too tired these days.
Whether or not I brought it upon myself, I'm not gonna divulge.
But yeah, I'm definitely exhausted.

Another day, another minute,
another few moments to pass you by.
I find it hard to pass you by.
Been pretty down because I realise you'll never be anything,
And it doesn't seem like I'd find ANYTHING soon.
Maybe I'm using you as a standard.
And because you've been a perfect friend,
I don't think I can stop being an untouchable and not welcome others.

I had only acted,
for you.
Acted like I was sane, like I was whole,
for you.
Now I don't see the need, not anymore.

Borrowed another two books at Queenstown Lib, hope they're all sorts of wonderful.
Was there with Madeline as we both indulged in FaceBook and our dearest EOMs,
And I think that while it's an ulu library,
I think I like it because it's along the route between my house and school,
and I'm so going to pay it a visit again.
Someday.

Ah,
Need a little tingle,
A little shake,
A little shine,
A little waking up.

swing swing ;
9:50 PM;

it's the end of the world.

just won't shut up.
won't. and will keep yacking and yacking away like a broken record on crack.
repetitively, it's not even an orginal argument, it only consists of an effing point, so weak.
am rather sick. it's not as if we're mentally challenged and needed to listen to the same thing countless times over and over again to finally get what you're trying to say.

YACK YACK YACK.

and all i could think about when i was coming out of the shower,
"what are they STILL withering about now?!"

**

i'm riding a high,
popping some pills,
trying on some shoes,
throwing things around,
as if the way things keep getting messed up was going to make it all better.

i'm on a crack,
i'm downing the vodka,
i'm getting so drunk,
and staring at the dance floor,
wishing i was sober.

i'm on the summit,
the top of a mountain,
i'm climbing up, wearily, almost giving up.
i feel like falling,
i'm on a crack,
i feel like i,
am finally on track.

i feel it all,
i finally know.
i think all this angst,
is finally paying off.
i think i'm finally,
getting my soul back.

i feel like, damn,
im finally free from Quack.

swing swing ;
7:12 PM;

ohmigosh, like, it was darn cool luhhhhhhhhx :DDD
god, i've gone all bits of girly squeals and mush.

im sad though, because i was like, at this rate, i wouldn't even be allowed to THINK of the farewell party tomorrow. mrchoy's farewell party. like, you know, one of my favourite teachers in the world?

i shall send him a farewell sms, wish him well and all that.

sigh.

anyw, have been reading diary of a crush, series.
(duh, if you have been reading my posts, or are one of the people around me most of the time, you'd realise it by now.)
and i've finished book 2. book 2 is the one that had me started on the whole fanatic craze.
and i shall read book 3 and it shall be all wonderful with added bits of wonderful rofl im even writing like "edie" now.

wonder how you pronounce her name. eee-die? (simi thing die?!)
eddie? (which is like so wrong, cus she's a girl and.. -.-)
air-die. (rofl, another die.)
and god, i cant even pronounce dylan's name properly and i suspect it's gna make me go all depressed and hopeless because he's made it to my list of FAVOURITE IMAGINARY GUYS OF ALL TIME xD
(i've sorta kicked edward cullen out, will you people kill me? :/ but jasper hale is in! i think all that crap about fanfics and edward cullen hurting bella like shit is getting to me.)

hahaha, laughs.
hmm, moody artboys are so sweet and temperamental or whatever, and this jennie-mentality is screaming tht said jennie is darn attracted to those types of boy-shapes.
nono, i've not gone nutty, it's just quoted from the book. (everyone knows i tend to go overexcited and quote everything. from my various subjects and used in tacky situations. it's a laugh.)

ohya, and someone has a bitch radar switched on for the day.
i mean, indecisive much? just make up your bloody mind, won't ya?
and claiming tht i don't love you, (which, like, yea.. at least, abit :/) is like having a darn argument about why drinking the water in your toilet bowl is not a good idea.

crazy bitch.
i'd love her more when she's all caring and gentle and whatnots,
and then i realise while she's constantly moaning tht she doesn't really know me much.
character wise, what i like, what i hate,
and tht just makes me sad.
and thr's those times where things will get thrown around,
and the sadness's gone and replaced by rage.
like, i dont think you coming here and wrecking my house is a very nice thing to do.

dysfunctional.
just like dylan's, i s'pose.
tht's cool.
i'd like to think im strong enough to handle anything.

and i'd start having this crazy stranglehold on my darn emotions and like, yay. cus, i'd turn all cold and strange and moody and emo and don't-you-dare-touch-me, and everyone i ever knew would stare at me with horrified or concerned expressions on their faces, because hell, am i possessed or what?!

and no, i still won't let anyone in, because the last time i did was pretty much about a decade ago and i've been young and naive and the last thing i should be doing is to drop my defences and start having everyone kill me again.
LOL, this is a seriously angsty kind of post, eh?
nono, don't mind me.

i'd feel all insecure about how my "rivals" were doing so much better, spend all my time thinking why their lives are pretty much perfect, and once stupid people looked at me funny or gave me snide remarks which were meant to be a joke, i'd turn like, "whatever" and walked off and then stay angsty at whoever for the rest of my existence.

i should get a diary, write in it every month or smth (i figured i probably cmi everyday) and lock it up in my heart.
cus angstiness should never work well in a public blog like this.

swing swing ;
8:33 PM;

you know smth's wrong with you when you cant differentiate simple things like tangent x,
(and you just had your midyears too. and hell, it's MATHS.)
and you feel the insane urge to go to facebook, you can if you want to, you're forbidden to do so, but what's stopping you from doing it anyway?
im on a laptop, it's pretty easy.
enough of the internal dialogue i've gotta stop talking to myself.

uhm,
HELL YES THR'S SMTH WRONG WITH ME AHAHAHA.

you'll see what i mean if you would bother to refer to the recent few blog posts.
they spell sanity. BACKWARDS.

yay (go add your own smiley face. ._.)

swing swing ;
9:22 PM;

swing swing ;
6:35 PM;

go away and ignore this post. it's not for you to read, it's for me to vent.
but sure, you wna read it, read it. but don't you dare come to any conclusions,
not when im this vulnerable,
not when i cant possibly deal with the relevation that the entire world's gna know that im depressed.

**

i need some peace, i really do.
the situation's getting worse, it really is.

not a day has passed without some drama.

if only someone would get rid of -,
it's all what we want, right?
the immature side of me wants - gone, so bad.
but the mature side knows i can't escape, not without any serious implications.
(pride's involved, and both sides are just too stuck up with pride to give in, eh? besides, it's not as if i want more people knowing about this deep dark secret that i freaking hate to the core. i remember telling songhua about the whole thing while bawling my heart out in his car, and he too agreed. i feel comforted knowing that things really couldn't be helped and i just had to accept everything with better grace. at least i gained strength that day.)

jiayi's another damn wonderful kia. she would hear me complain, she would make the stupidest things that had happened seem funny, and basically she can cool me down and make me look back with a laugh and not with a bitter eye. we would laugh it off, she would ask me to hold on, to endure, and i would regain the freaking strength that seems to run out at an astounding rate everytime i step into the battlefield.

slowly more and more people know, or at least have a clue on what's going on. im ashamed, and yet i need people to know, i need people to understand.

my state of insecurity exclaims,
it wasn't my fault i am this way, it wasn't my fault im insecure, it wasn't my fault i can't be like normal people, because it's not my fault the world sucks so much that i subconsciously shrivel up and hide under a thick un-penetratable shell to shield myself from time to time.
it is my fault, isn't it? but that was the old me, and slowly i've bared myself, and shield myself under hysterical joy whenever i feel the jolt of insecurity coming home.

i've become stronger, i think.
but why do i feel like it's not getting any better?
still, under this state of temporary detachment, it'd be a miracle if i could feel anything GOOD.

it's a full moon tonight (or almost full moon)
so i'd take it as a sign to welcome the peace that i deserve.
full moons are pretty, and they allow me breathing space.

i'd feel better soon, i can feel it. (:

swing swing ;
7:59 PM;

You’d never believe half the things she’s saying about you behind your back. Because, hell, you’re in for a big surprise should you one day find out.
(And yes. It IS true that I bitch about you as much as you are one.)

**

There was pretty much drama in this girl’s life while her blog was chasing her away. Firstly, it didn’t help much when she was imagining monkeys pulling out their own tails the whole time exams were going on. Whenever she was at home cramming information in her tiny head, (I said head. Not brain. I’m smart, okay?) whenever she was bathing and had nothing to distract her from thinking about trivial things, whenever she was freaking wanting a llama to hug. (Okay, it isn’t true. Llamas are quite freaky o.o) Obviously a few mental breakdowns were involved, and this girl would feel like she’s gonna spontaneously combust every second. Again, whether she will go through complete combustion or incomplete combustion and produce soot, she does not know. She and one of her friends, Vengyi, witnessed her swearing in the presence of a teacher who fortunately didn’t care enough to give her a demerit point, claiming she was *inserts swear word* depressed. She also had a fun time realizing she wasn’t made out to be a stalker during one incident at her beloved JE library. Apparently hiding behind bookshelves doesn’t really work, neither does giggling and talking about how to set up one’s own bar while trying to catch a glimpse of the victim to confirm her paranoid suspicions. It was a blast. You know you ought to doubt your stalking skills when you get caught after less than five minutes in the act, and yet still couldn’t manage to confirm whether the subject of said stalking was indeed the person you wanted to stalk in the first place. I think I’m getting too involved in Vengyi’s stalking missions, because, hell, I’m doing it myself.

Hmm, I think I need chocolate.

Uhm, where was I? Oh, right.
Here’s the real deal. The drama definitely wore her out; she was exhausted by the time her last nightmare was over (bio, what else?). Then, she went strutting to Vivo, and along the way, she could feel herself going a little mad and hysterical. (yea, unfortunately I had to laugh at non-existent things as well.)

And now here she is. 3 freaking days since the BIGGER drama came, and no, she’s not thinking “Wow, my life’s wonderful.”

Soap bars and tissue boxes are heavy stuff, by the way. They most likely have the ability to cause quite an impressive bruise if any come into contact with your body.
(Okay, so they aren’t THAT scary. But combining those stuff with a volatile unpredictable storm, (metaphorical) the above statement is going to apply, okay?)

Concluding statement!
*replay what had happened with Vengyi, a teacher and an almost demerit point after the horrible maths paper*

swing swing ;
9:49 PM;