And it's 3 o'clock,
and she's going down.

Baby are you down down down down down?
Yes I'm down.

I look at my earphones and plug them in,
I hear sounds.

But they don't soothe.
Not anymore.

Y'see, when you have great people around you,
you can't help but feel like you've just died whenever you make a mistake.

I don't know what to feel anymore. Such a cliche sentence.. But..

Tgff. Thank God For Family/Friends.
I do think too much whenever I have too much free time.
So it'd be good if I could finally make myself busy.

Those encounters wouldn't count if they didn't result in anything better.
But sometimes I wonder, am I to blame?
My tendency to be cold whenever I feel the opposite gets in the way, doesn't it?
Friends.
People look at me funny, like they couldn't decipher what I'm feeling.
Am I really upset? Or am I just being my usual I couldn't care less?

Ah I'm so difficult.

Seeking for inspiration.
Music, art, sweat-- I mean, sports.
Lol. Sweat's like eew?
And I can't do sports. Hahaha.

People've been asking me what career path I would choose.
Frankly, I really do not know. It's frustrating, to say the least.
But at least I know what my ultimate goal is.

Reverting, 2% in progress.
Would I make it?

swing swing ;
10:41 PM;

Don't know when you stopped smiling.
Just stopped, like someone took away your ability to be happy.
Started worrying, started being tense, started to..
hate.

My hand's shaking real bad now.

I'm worthless.
I suck.

I shouldn't exist.
I should die.

I shall go do vectors.

swing swing ;
2:02 PM;

You're automatic and your heart's like an engine,
Woahhh-

- Automatic by Tokio Hotel

**

And it's raining now,
the pit pat pit pat's calling to me now,

I shiver in the goddamn cold,
but I feel the warmth,
a presence.

I'm not alone.

I smile.
It's been nice meeting you for awhile.

**

Mesmerising eyes.

Pictures of beautiful eyes are great pieces of art.
Together with The Scream,
and many many literature works.

Someday,
I'll find my own awe-inspiring piece of art.
And then I'll show it off.

Mine, mine, mine.
MUAHAHAHA..
.. HAHA?

I have gone mad.
Constance wasn't wrong when she said I had some evil genes in me.
Lolllllllllll.

swing swing ;
12:46 AM;

According to you,
I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right.
- According to you by Orianthi

**

Was an okay day, I guess. There were wonderful bits, and there were the not so wonderful ones.

School was as usual a great place to be in. Lighter, warmer, lively. People buzz, people don't stay in long and sufferable silences.

Till my favourite pair of earrings got confiscated.

Well, honestly, I don't mind that much. (Who am I kidding, I totally mind.)
But if anyone knew me well enough, the thing I hate more than anything in the world is to be under an accusing stare. Stare isn't strong enough. Uhm, glare, that's more like it.

It was one of my first offences, alright. I'm pretty much someone who doesn't follow the "trend".
My skirt is long, my hair is horrible, and I pretty much follow the rules all the time. (Sometimes can't be bothered. Sometimes, can't fix it, anyway. LOL.)
So it isn't okay for you to use that horrible a tone when I only broke one of your insignificant rules. Trust me, the earrings weren't THAT noticeable. Or you would have caught me on the first day of school.

I'm sleepy, I'm grumpy, I'm sorry if I sound emotional, I try to be neutral all the time.
Okay I understand you have warned us umpteen times, but I don't see the point. The earrings aren't going to block my path towards a successful education. Besides, I was just too lazy to change to another pair of earrings. (Ever since the hols, lolll)

Anyway, confiscate it all you want. What I'd minded wasn't that you have forced me to throw a few bucks away, but the tone and glare you used on me.
Because to me, you had implied that I was a true delinquent, and hence talked to me as if it was REALLYYYYYYYYY serious. Like I couldn't take care of myself, like I am a rebel, when I'm actually not. (You can ask around, not many people will think I'm a rebel in school lor.)
I'm just really emotional these past few days okay? That body language didn't help.

Will people stop reminding me of my many failures already.

I'm trying my hardest, it's clearly not easy because I had fallen too deep after all in the past, and it isn't helping that whatever I got, it wasn't encouragement.

Just wanna lead a normal life. Am sick of wanting to be in the spotlight, am sick of wanting to impress.
The only person I wanna impress is myself. I set my own goals, I control my own destiny, if I fail, so be it. I go at my own pace,

I can't have people rushing me all the time. It's going to break me down.

Because I'm falling behind in the race, and I'm kicking and kicking at my legs to go faster, to be better, but it's just no use because I'm running with a group entirely different from me.
That's not to say I'm bad. I just need my own pace, need my silence, need my space, need my solitude.

I need to hear my own voice again, to hear my own breathing with every step I take.

Need some distance.

I wonder how my subconscious would make me act like in school tomorrow.
I don't wanna be emo, but escaping my troubles is taxing on my energy level.

**

The Tooth Fairy was (Y).
I haven't been laughing like that for ages.

Thanks again, Onii-chan.

**

I need to write.
It's been awhile.

Shall wait for the urges to grow.

swing swing ;
12:49 AM;

你玩够了没有呢？

If you've got the guts, you can jolly well go ahead and walk out of our lives. It's not as if it would be so terrible. Yes I'll lose, hell, we'll ALL lose, but hey,

you weren't just anyone.

Dude, you're old, you pass rubbish judgment, the less you talk, the better. Just, seriously, don't talk, dude.
Silence makes the world a better place. Got it?
You used to be nice, now you're all defensive and shit. We don't take that crap together with the shit your woman throws to us when she needs to amuse herself.

Woman, you're immature. That's all I've got to say. You need help, we can get you help, okay? No matter if you're gonna die in a few years, cus hey, you've got it easy. You have a wonderful family. We've suffered together with you for the past WHAAAAAAAA HOW MANY YEARS??
Yes. Believe it or not, you weren't the only one suffering.

(Bro's gonna turn into a retard thanks to you. Poor bro. Srsly.)

Woman, I don't blame you as much now. Cus you really do need help. I feel sorry for you actually.
If fake love is what you need, yea, you've got yourself a whole lifetime of fake love.
*Beams* Aren't I the sweet cupcake you need in your life?

But then again, who else can I blame? I'm mentally strong now, I'm like, retarded, but yea, I'm strong.
I'm indifferent when I hear loud noises now. I'm SO attuned to keeping the stuff inside my brain from running wild whenever Drama happens.

I'm like, so..
strong.

You know, I'm starting to think my brain's so focused on everything small in life (yes, the drama you create is trivial)
that it can't register important details.

Which is why I'm starting to face problems trying to listen to someone talk, absorb the information, and keep said information inside my head for more than five seconds.

Oh and I'm having problems trying to do everything fast. Because I'm like, rigid? And I'm like, retarded? And I'm like,

If everything else is going to go wrong, at least I have this thing I'm doing right now that's perfect.

So I do things so slowly so as to make things really perfect.

It's not called a perfectionist's mentality.
It's called a disease.
A screw missing.
Something wrong.

Yea..

We are retarded people, really.

It's sad.

**

Okay, so let's go about it the right way.
For one hour, we listened to LCF being his usual funny self. I love vectors now. I don't know why. All I know is that I am random.
Then we had PE. I realise that I'm out of shape. I can run, I guess. Must start training soon. I can't do your stupid pull-ups and your stupid hanging, apparently. Because I have like, sticks for arms? You know, sticks, they break? So by the end of the lesson I was feeling nauseous and couldn't even finish a plate of $1.50 noodles. I mean, our school's food servings are so small now?
(Actually the noodles not too bad la. Lol.)
Bio was crazy? We.. summarised something about eukaryotic genome and DNA. I didn't read eukaryotic genome so I wouldn't know.
Econs was even better. I had a fun time listening to TKS, wishing he was Flora. Flora and her small class consisting of me and Olivia, some hostile girl who doesn't like to talk. Flora and her imba teaching skills, because at the end of 2 hours, I learnt so much.
Chem, hah. Now that's the real deal. Question 4 somewhat done. That's all we accomplished.
Bio was crazy? (Oh, I'm repeating myself again.) Basically all I remember is OLH telling us that, erhem, I wouldn't have to pretend to sneeze or cough whenever I wanna pop a sweet into my mouth (:

Yay. This is a great blog post. I love myself.
Love you, Jennie Yip. You're the only person I can count on in this world!
(Oh, you need someone to lean on, too? Aww that's too bad.)

swing swing ;
8:07 PM;

First session was great today. I actually understand econs now. Like, everything's actually pretty simple :D

Classmate was hostile though. Don't know what's her problem. Lol. I mean, you could have said an "Excuse me" if you wanna get out of the seat and a "Bye".
She didn't even utter a word to me. Just rushed the hell out of there and whattheshit.
Ah, so much for being excited cus I get to make new friends. Was feeling pretty sociable and psyched, yknw.

The teacher's chio. XD
(Chants: I am not a lesbian, I am not a lesbian, I am not a lesbian..)

**

Although it's been pretty difficult these few days, I'm glad to say I'm still coping pretty well.
Using a bedside lamp to illuminate in the dark while I'm slogging away doesn't make it a very conducive environment, but I guess I have to be content.
I've been sleeping my days away, though. Am damn tired. Rubs eyes. My eyes damn pain.

There's only one point that Azmi mentioned that I'm concerned about. My health.
I'm seriously unhealthy. Now that my appetite problem has been somewhat solved, it's the frequency I take my meals and the amount I take in each time.
I have a habit of going to the extremes. So.. naturally, it's either eat like crazy one moment and eat nothing the other.
Stomach discomfort isn't really helping, either. I'm not cursing or scaring myself, but I think there just might be a tumour in there. Lol.

Headaches. Not a great start for the year. Hope I can get a full body checkup soon. Shall see exactly what my problem(s) is/are.

Ah, so there's still the math review (which means I have to revise integration ): )
hydroxy cpds tutorial (WHY DIDN'T I COPY HAIWEI'S AGAIN?)
econs ny tut (darn.)
bio assg (needa read eukaryotic genome.. sigh.)
bio lect notes exercise (eukaryotic genome lor!)

Whattheshit man, seriously.

How come is it that I feel like I've been doing a lot when in fact it's only a little?
Oh, because there's A LOT of homework. :D
I've done mostly math, because vectors are loves, ahaha.

You can tell that I have nothing much to blog about, from the way I'm actually blogging about schoolwork.

Lol. Did I mention I currently have about one more week to study for the Chem organic test?

**

The paint's still drying, don't lean against the wall.
But I wasn't leaning, it was accidental.
Ohwell, too bad. Cus now you get paint all over your shirt.

Exasperated, cus I think I will never be able to reach my dreams.

The literary world is too far,
they've been thinking I actually CAN make it to becoming a d,
and I'm currently fretting over how I'm supposed to be healthy enough to fight the Monster A's.

I don't think I'm stressed, not yet anyway.
But I definitely am thinking too much and worrying my brain away.

swing swing ;
12:28 AM;

Brick by boring brick,
or the wolf's gonna blow it down.

**

This week has been entertaining.
I love it when people don't practise what they preach.

At school, at home.

I sigh.

I'm amused, I'm jaded.

Have been called "lousy" many times alr now,
I don't deserve to be human,
I don't deserve to be a student,
I don't deserve to be a child.

I take it in good stride,
One day, I will find what I need,
and then all these things won't matter anymore.

Super tired.
Just wanna sleep. And pon tomorrow. But lol, I'm a good child.
I don't effing pon.
Must celebrate the school's anniversary, and support who's supposed to be supported, and have a tgif friday.

The school library closes at 4.15pm.
So much for making full use of the very conducive environment.
Screw it. I will have to hog 6A classroom for my staying-back time.
Hopefully I don't get chased out lol.

I is zzz.
Now that I've started complaining (and being "lousy")
I can't stop. I'm still tired, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep now.

要做一个人，有点难。

swing swing ;
10:09 PM;

And you're a hot mess and I'm falling for you,
And I'm like, "Hot damn, let me make you my boo."
Cus you can shake it shake it shake it yea you know what to do,
You're a hot mess, I'm loving it, hell yes.

- Hot Mess by Cobra Starship

**

And it's the wrong season, the wrong time of the year,
And I'm sunburnt, as usual. Hopefully the skin doesn't peel off again, goddamn.

Awfully tired,

Control freak's cramping my style.

School tomorrow, hmm, okay so my new ft seems pretty okay (:
Please don't start with the QAD thing, please don't please don't.
I got tired of the whole thing when 100GB left. I mean, comeon, I'm heartbroken.
Once bitten, twice shy, kay?

So tmr 240 release from schl! Comeon, it's a good thing. I take more than an hour to get home, I might as well go to some library along the way.

Breathe in, breathe out. Remember ar, transform. I know I'm no transformer, but, yknw..
._.

swing swing ;
8:04 PM;

Hey, you can fall back on me, I won't collapse, I promise.
(Don't take this literally, otherwise you'll be forcing me to break my promise.)

So, go on now, sleep.
Have strength, have faith,
believe in.. I have no idea what,
and I'm sure you'll be able to overcome this.

Just, just, just know that I'm here.
I'll always be here.
Trust me, k. We'll walk out of this together.

**

I touched,
and I got burnt.

Maybe I should be more careful.

swing swing ;
12:09 AM;

If you only knew,

I want the song Halfway Gone.
I want it I want it I want it.
Goddammit.

I'm keeping my own secrets.

And then I'm gonna win this time.

**

Hey, why so hostile?
Loosen up.

Cheer up love, It might never happen.

**

And I'm sorry,
but I learnt a long time ago that when you're kind to people,
kindness runs back and bites you in the ass.

Ouch, that gotta hurt.

swing swing ;
10:10 PM;

Come Catch Me If You Can.

Running like a little girl lost in the playground-

swing swing ;
6:36 PM;