I have a lot, A HELL LOT, to be thankful for,
I had been given a good life,
Life isn't difficult for me, and as far as I know, it isn't difficult for anyone else I know.
But then again, we're deprived of excitement in our lives, and I really do love them adrenaline rushes.

I wasn't born into a system wrecked with chaos,
where people make mistakes because they were weak, because emotions and outside influences fueled their delusional beings to follow instincts to kill, to fight, to survive.
I wasn't born into a system where there was insanity lurking at every corner, and even I wouldn't call it insanity because there must be a reason, a logic, behind every single damn thing in this world. I was born into a world where we humans suppressed our instincts for violence, and made peace. It's stupid but necessary to come to a point where we just agree and compromise, because we were determined to be civilised to make progress.

I want to learn to tell a convincing lie, have a cold steel heart, and die for what I believed was right, and for those I love.
I won't fight, because it's been evident from the start of civilisation till now that making peace would do more good than fighting.
Vulnerability is bad, though putting up the act would be fun, and hell, I'm as vulnerable as one can get.

Physically, I'm a peanut to handle.
Mentally, I'm as volatile as mercury.

And really, I'm just nothing.

I won't believe in normalcy, because then, I'd panic when something quite the opposite happens. When you're as strong as you can be, you control, and then you won't die.
It's a theory of survival of the fittest, duh.
And right now, I'm one of those short giraffes that can't get to the leaves of the tall trees. It can't be considered a metaphor if I am indeed short, can it?

I need to munch on chips and work on getting myself a headache,
then hopefully I won't have nightmares or urges to constantly look behind my shoulder.
Fear is for the weak, and I don't want to be weak.

I realise this is all rather disturbing.
I blame my self-destructive tendencies.

swing swing ;
9:31 PM;

Glad to see everyone getting better.
It doesn't matter if everyone else is feeling good (:

GP yesterday was (Y).
As far as I know, Michelle Choo was the only one besides me who did the question with 5 words.
Consider the value of mistakes.

I pray that Yim won't read my essay and tear it to shreds.

After that was Olh's lesson all the way. We sat in the seminar room, and frankly? I hated the room. The seats, the lighting, everything.
Or maybe that was because I wasn't feeling well for abit before I finally went to the toilet. For a long long time.

Went with Haiwei to JP to buy her stickers. I saw donuts (fine, it wasn't donuts. It reminded me of donuts though.) and cookies and food and ran far far away.
Went KFC and bought the Popcorn Chicken I was craving for. Om nom nom, seriously.

Met Huiyuan, got bumped by people on the bus, many many times, to the amusement of Yuanyuan, and then finally we headed to her house to change and collect rackets.
Her rackets are awesome by the way :D

Ohmygod, I love badminton with 4I.
Can you imagine playing not for competitive purposes, but purely for fun? I felt much better after the entire thing.
We split into History and Geog group, then we took turns playing.
Constance and Huiyuan trained me hahahaha. Okay they didn't. And Constance must go suck her thumb. Pouts.

Ah, there was an asshole coach there, can ask him go die. I like to swing my legs, how? You want scold me lousy?

Addicted to Coke (:

swing swing ;
4:38 PM;

I bloody regret not going today.
Why cause a disruption in the everyday pattern that I've set in life.
I'd rather have cramps in school, complain of a headache and run a fever, go through the everyday motions as I sit and laugh at everything and anything, and look on in indifference at the cruelty of school life,
than sit through this.

School's hell, but it's an escape.
A good distraction.

Nobody bothered. It's not like I should be surprised.

I hate changes.
From now on, I'm following routine even more closely than ever. I can't afford to squirm again.

I hate you too. I really really do. She gets all paranoid when you talk in hushed whispers and then she thinks the whole world is against her and then I start bawling because I do hate everybody so, and then you have to continue talking, and demand I get lost.
I hate you for leaving me like that, confused. It's not like I'm half as dense as what I pretend to be. I know, I act like I don't, but I do know.

Hate hate hate,
The only thing I want to do now is to turn the clock a few hours back, and drag my sorry groaning ass out of bed and off to school.
At least, I'd be able to sleep there, eat there, laugh there, study there, and not worry about upsetting anyone.

swing swing ;
2:40 PM;

I really haven't been sleeping well lately. It's a toss and a turn and an unpleasant little shudder before the cycle begins again.
What's up with that.

My eyes are hurting again, and it's only Tuesday. Then a Wednesday. Then The Thursday.
After The Thursday it'd be a Friday, which would be not that great, not at least till it's the following week.
If you asked me, I'd say I'm doing shit at life right now. I'm not surviving very well because I'm so very tired.

And confused too. I thought it was getting better. Then it got worse.
Of course, it may be paranoia, but still, I'm really better off without the constant swinging.
Felt something was wrong when I stared blankly at a disappearing shadow, then I shrugged it off and concentrated on making myself feel better because, I really ain't very healthy right now.
I'm not eating, I'm not feeling, or feeling too much, actually.
Another difficult period to tide over, and I wish I wasn't a masochist, because everytime I wanted to check things out, I get sucked in and wants desperately for a ladder to climb up again.

Talk about the rabbit falling down the rabbit hole. Alice in Wonderland is wonderful and everything, but what I need is some perspective.

Wednesday shall be the epic day. I shall go home, pass out for a few hours, then create my own world of stickypads. Know how much I need them. Doesn't necessarily mean my world will come true, though. It's just another thought, another ambition that my brain cooks up, just for something to do.

I love my latest find. It's great and everything, and I'd be ready with my stickypads, definitely.

swing swing ;
9:16 PM;

Deep down we all know that grass is purple, so who cares if the grass is greener on the other side?

Had a normal day today, because I realised that time has caught up to me again.
Needs to run faster, faster, faster.
I spent my time cooped up in my room, then realised I haven't had a headstart after all, because discipline had never been my friend, not before, and definitely not now.

Well it's never too late to start.

Yesterday had been fun. Watched green ogres, and before that, someone that looked like Leona Lewis though I can't be sure, sing a nice song on a big screen. Should have caught the title and singer's name. Blah.
Rude boy by Rihanna was on when I stopped watching and started queuing.
(You have to work on your flying skills by the way :D)

Saw some pretty hot guys at Heeren. Was fascinated. Entranced. Enraptured. You know what I mean. I shall stop. (:

swing swing ;
8:44 PM;

Tangled Up In Me, by Skye Sweetnam.
Typical song.

I thought it had rocking lyrics, so I went to check it out.
Didn't have the complicated push-pull thing going on,
but well, who am I to complain?

"You wanna know more, more, more about me,
Gotta know reverse psychology."

swing swing ;
10:22 PM;

swing swing ;
8:16 PM;

I don't know what's up.
But it always happens like this these days.
Just know that I care, okay?

I don't like being in the dark. Not that I mind, because I know I don't make a good cure, but it makes me feel like I'm less of a friend.

I realise that they all have funny acronyms.
This one is WTH. As in, really WTH.
Hahaha.

I'm going random and all over the place.
Leon called me crazy, and asked me to go sleep before the last of my almost non-existent sanity decides to abandon me.

So do you fancy having a cut of tea with yours truly?
But well, I don't see pigs flying, so, I guess not.

Tomorrow's gonna be pretty freaking boring.
My self esteem when it comes to any physical activity? It's left me. Now I cringe at the mere mention of.. *cringe*

Well now, I don't exactly have eyes at the back of my head,
Wait, let me check,
No, I can't see the wall behind me. I'm safe.
Besides, what's the use of eyes if I'm just going to get hit anyway? By those round objects. I'm really glad my name ain't Mary. Because, you know, Merry-go-round, and it's not even funny anymore.

Ah, I'm fluctuating downwards again, and this frequent happening is starting to annoy the shit out of me.
I'm guessing I'd wait it out for people to come and talk to me,

And if I'm this insecure, really, I shouldn't be surrounded by anyone at all.

swing swing ;
11:08 PM;

There's something strangely comforting about blogging. Or anything that involves thinking, really.

It might be the reason why I'm blogging so much all of a sudden.

I'm so hated. Like, I'm this absolutely disgusting and revolting ball of nothing, and balls are meant to be kicked, or rolled around, and I guess I am to be treated just like that.

It's sad that I don't find the need to bloody explain myself anymore. There's no point in that.

swing swing ;
11:17 PM;

swing swing ;
8:14 PM;

Dirty shoelaces,
Did you clean yourself today?
Did you prove yourself,
look pretty in a ribbon,
or did you slump all day?
Were you good?
Were you bad?
Did you make anyone upset,

Oh dirty shoelaces,
have some hope some day.

**

Happens many things.
Today the sky very pretty.
I don't have to make sense, please don't be lazy, you can go make the link yourself.
When I don't make sense, I sound mysterious, hard to figure out. That guarantees attraction. But then again, it may make me sound incoherent, retarded, and a bit not right in the head.

I want green files and smileys.
Dresses and curves.
I have to eat more.

I might have to finish that fict. But it's too depressing. But it's taught me how to appreciate my life that much more.
Many people around me has made this week a good one, despite all my down's.

I shall go listen to The Spell by Alphabeat.
Yayness.

swing swing ;
7:59 PM;

Standing on the rooftops,
Everybody scream your heart out ♥

Okay, just consciously put in this effort, Jennie.
Consciously.
Have to rid yourself of all the rubbish you've taught yourself over the past few years.
It will not be a vicious cycle anymore.
Just you and your epic skills.

I'm awesome.
I'm lousy,
but awesome.

It's nice when you see yourself running again,
but then you trip over a bloody rock,
and then you get bloody too.
Then you don't seem to want to run anymore,
but you know that it's something that has to be done.

I can't walk though.

Ah, if they are going to change PE games after every 5 weeks or something,
I swear, I rather run a few rounds. Running helps me relieve my stress anyw, I don't understand why I have to suffer playing some ball games when I'm constantly dodging the ball due to ball phobia.
The aim is to catch the ball right.

Shall be a masochist already.
Strain my muscles a little.
It's not like I can't do it.

Then I won't be stupid anymore.

swing swing ;
9:37 PM;

Alright, think now should be it.

After all it wouldn't be nice to go back on my word now, would it? It's like swallowing your own vomit eew. I forgot who was the goon who told me that particular joke, but I'm really not enjoying the shivers lol.


Cute, but I've thought about it, and it really doesn't make much sense..
Hmms.

Anyw, Happy Momma's Day to my Momma, of course.
Like, yay, hugs and cakes.
Jumps.

swing swing ;
7:18 PM;

The names of some groups really do crack me up.
Ludacris's rap was that bad, huh? Hahaha.

When I was 13, I had my first love.
ASLKDJASLHCFALBFNCHOAEIFHAENOFIAJF ABOVE!

*claps* great job.
I have a feeling Jiayi will start suffering from pains when she reads this.
Laugh too much.

Ah, wonderful, I really don't know.
We gek each other gek damn long.

I kena pimple sia. Wlao. Dno how come.

Hmm,

"You think think, but never do do, so people think you never think, because you dno how to think and do, then you do and think, but still cmi. Mots: don't think."

Mots - Moral Of The Story
Originated from Olh's cloning notes. Yays to her.

I spread my cold to many many people.
Yknw, those lame jokes?
Hah, I really do love it when people freeze in front of me (:

Anyw, what's with people these days.
I shake my head at everybody.
Damn sian, trying to please and please and please.
Who said smiles work?
They don't.
They make things worse, though.

But I can't not smile.
How can I not smile?
So ungrateful, so selfish.
With every passing day, I am counting the stars to when I'd be one of them myself,
but everyone else isn't. And it's affecting my concentration.
I'm losing count.

I need to fix my eating disorder.
Overeat all of a sudden, then don't eat at all.
Then stare because I'm inadequate, never good enough, never good enough.
I'm sorting through my angst like a textbook, flipping, unpleasant but necessary,
Puts a frown to my face, that one.















Okay, that shit is real funny. Ahaha. I'll never get tired of it. CLICK ON THE PICTURE! :D

I'll run off to sing myself to sleep.
Proving my words have never been so hard, but I promised, and he's nice about it, so I shall just do his homework and whatever I need to to reach that place I want to be.

swing swing ;
7:40 PM;

Little girl, don't run around, don't hurt yourself, don't move.
Because, little girl, you might then fall to the ground, you might then hurt yourself, you might then bleed, very much so.

Little girl, stay,
But, little girl, would you listen to what I say?

*

A fleeting moment, then it's gone. My head's bursting with words unsaid.
It's an incomplete thought, like the black charcoal on half of the drawing paper. Flat, two dimensional, unreal.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars,
I could really use a wish right now.

swing swing ;
9:58 PM;

swing swing ;
8:40 PM;

I like your words, soft and sweet and funny, tickling me all over.
Making my skin itch, my skin crawl, at terrible things,
and making my soul fly, my soul sing, at gestures so pleasant that it paints smiley faces all over my face.

I like sensitivity,
Soft and cushion-ey,
just begging to be rested upon.

I like the whole motion of feeling bliss.
Movement, graceful and floating, like a dream in reality.

I like your world,
where I can sing, dance, and laugh,

and I can't wait till the A's are over to indulge in it all.
Read 'em all! Ahahahahahahahahahaha.

(I'm buying Unsticky right after my last A's paper. Nods vehemently to myself.)

swing swing ;
8:42 PM;

It'd been a weird day.
The type where you feel like you don't belong in your body, instead floating around in your nervous system looking for somewhere to stay.
I'm worn out again, this I know.

I'd slept pretty late in the night, my head conjuring images of total darkness and rest. But I'd woken up at about half past five, shocking the hell out of myself, as those images turned into something quite different from rest.
I dreamt of death, and struggle.

I'd asked for it, though. I know better than to read about the fragility of humans caused by stupid cancerous genes/cells and the strength of an emotional bond. (No I haven't been traumatised by my biology notes wts ._.)
Something along the lines of: Dreams flitted off like butterflies if you let them go. Nightmares were no different, only darker moths.
And then I went ahead to have a nightmare of some sort.
Lol, no one died, but then it'd been quite the experience. I was the superhero in the dream, probably due to my obsession with Jasper Hale and his ability to sense and soothe.

It was a lonely morning, cold and stinking of junk.
Singaporeans are and will always be a fascination of mine, as the man behind me ordered two sets of Sausage McMoofin with Egg, in a clear and confident voice, like the haughty imitation of a high-class businessman.
It brought some sunshine to my own Sausage McMoofin with Egg, even giggling hysterically under my breath, I'd managed to sneak off to my corner seat with a uncooperative stomach.
McMoofin indeed.

It got noisy, so I upped and left. The rest of the day was mundane, like an old song that's been overplayed on the radio.
To sum it up, I left my phone in the toilet and got admonished for it, (at least I got the damn thing back) my obsession with Unsticky came flaring back into life, and I've a spoilt earphone (the right one, singular is correct).
Oh, and I finally got my pretty Doubt picture from Jiayi.
Okay the more I look at it, the worse it gets. It wasn't such a good shot after all. The other words at the side were a coincidence, not at all purposefully chosen to create the entire picture.

I'm zenning again.
It's down to my sciences, and honestly, I have no idea what to feel.

That gaze of self-consciousness, raw and intense,
I'm getting a case of the Teenager's syndrome, insecurity?

J.Hale, Vaughn &Dylan.

Someday I'd open my own agency.
I'd have time then, so it'd be all up to me and my pen.
Doodle abstract lines to represent the blur, the action, the security,
the absurdity of a commitment,

because you know that no matter what happens, no matter when, you'd go ahead and make the same mistake, because it doesn't make sense but it's perfectly logical at the same time.

I'd like then, to see my own characters come to life.

swing swing ;
9:27 PM;

I wonder if I'm trying to be funny by doing this.
But no one's laughing, so it's fine.
I'd wanted to snap a photo of this using my phone, then put it as my wallpaper, but taking a picture of the comp screen seems to have this hazy effect and so, my intention would be gone.

So I said, SHIT DUH, I shall use printscreen. And that's exactly what I did. Goodness, now my phone's wallpaper's awesome, and I think I love the little things eating up my memos.

They aren't so little on-screen, but, well.. I guess that can't be helped.

Am reading ToG, and I think it's both better and worse than ToV. Better because there's more connection and sensitivity in ToG, worse because I can understand ToV better.

Sigh, if only.

Thank God I'm not sick of Macs.
Because I'm finally sick of Pepper Lunch. After so damn long. Remember today's date. It's 2 May 2010.

Will dream of Oreos and starry eyes, because I'm born for this.

I don't understand emotions, because they are a weakness. A bloody weakness that brings you down.
No wonder robots pwn us.

swing swing ;
8:03 PM;

So after some deliberation (on my part, but I won't apologise)
I've decided that I shall ignore all the toxic bubbles blown towards me.

Toxic because they cause damage (duh)
Bubbles because.. hmm, maybe not bubbles. Bubbles are weak. But that makes it easier for me to ignore..

Nevermind, thought processes go awry in the morning.

I quite liked one of the quotes on P's blog. She has all this interesting pictures. There's one that says "Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry."

I've decided I like tomatoes now.
Eh no, someone, scold my brain please. That wasn't what I wanted to say.
I've decided I like Mixtape by Butch Walker.
It's pretty awesome. Mingshin sent it to me I think.
I believe I haven't talked about it yet in my blog, because I've actually been in love with it for quite long already.

Mr Koh told us to set our own trends.
I like untied shoelaces.

Maybe one day I shall learn how to fly.
Can fly = (Y)

swing swing ;
11:05 AM;