Identify the cause of the anomalous result.

I don't really have to recognise the cause,
I just know I need to get rid of the evils of technology.
Or the evils of my currently weak-willed state.

I can't believe I'm so stubborn sometimes.

Hope I will stop self-destructing soon.

Now's a good time to start. (:

swing swing ;
10:38 PM;

I eyed the drop,
the big plunge,
consciously leaning towards the edge,
and slipping into oblivion.

Not giving up, I'm never giving up.

It'll be hard, and trust me when I say I'm terrified,
because I really am.

Nah, I have no choice but to trust the better side of me,
who comes out occasionally and not quite often enough,
to help me.
And oh, whatever divine power that is up there,
please let it be enough.

I have nothing else.

I'm a loser, dealed with difficult cards,
but a loser nonetheless.
Because I allowed myself to walk to the cliff.

So, really, I should stop being suicidal.

swing swing ;
9:45 PM;

nerves.

shaking so bad.
im such a wreck.

oh, tht's just so sad.

lol, sad is my word of the day.
the day is coming to an end alr.
so hopefully tmr's bio spa won't be too sad.

because if it is,
OHMAN, then really very sad leh.

swing swing ;
11:51 PM;

Yesterday's regrets,
taste bitter on my tongue.

I flinch - Did I really do all that?

Yesterday's regrets,
I'm taking yet another step.

I cheer - Maybe I'm moving on after all.

Yesterday's regrets,
I look at the cloudy sky.

I sigh - I'm probably in denial.

But yesterday's regrets,
I ran faster.

I smile - May hope guide me home.

**

Songs with sorrowful melodies really sing to me. I mean, how often is it that you hear lyrics bang on about "This is the last of illusions, This is the final trace of innocence,"?
Okay, pretty often.
But still, they really do sing to me. More frequently than happy songs do.

I like Fireflies by Owl City. Gives me a floaty feeling. I'd never liked bugs, but maybe I could make fireflies an exception. MAYBE.

I don't know how some could manage it,
and I once thought I was a capable human being.
(Come on, doesn't "no defects" scream "capable" to you?!)
Apparently I was dead wrong.

Nah, I think I'm just far too caught up in the excessive drama of life.
I didn't realise that the complete whirlwind they put in my peaceful little fairytale was affecting me that much.
Yea yea, blame it on them again.

Well, what? I only have myself to blame?
Tsk.

Fine, I'll just admit I'm weak. Doesn't that feel so much better?

I've not talked to anyone about the recent events.
Am hoping that indeed, ignorance is bliss.
The more I keep it in the darkest deepest corner of my heart,the more I wouldn't think of anything.
It'd hurt, sure.
But hopefully the hurt comes AFTER the important stuff.

Now for the happy part.
Me. Has hope.
Hope. Are good.
Me. Are optimistic.
Conclusion: Me. Going. To. Fail.
May smile and grin,
but the little me inside frowns at myself.
Like, shit, you're doing it again. Quit being someone you're not.

I can't help myself anymore..

But the little bit of hope is still shining.
Perhaps it'd be enough (:

swing swing ;
10:15 PM;

i got pretty riled up when we talked.
so it just seems to me tht keeping silent is the best way to achieve a neutral state.
cus i hate tht people around me are judgemental,
VERY judgemental,
i bloody hate it. hate it more than the average person.
more so because my genes give me extra bouts of paranoia too.

i'll never go back to be a normal person again, i realise.
i'm freaking insane, my temper's reaching wild states tht i never thought i could achieve.
it's disturbing, being detached from my own bloody self.

hope i don't end up like her.

yea, troubles are back,
and if tht particular practical session was anything to go by,
i'd firmly conclude tht my chem practical skills fluctuate together with my damn mood.
i hope i'm gonna be okay on monday. it's a freaking major exam after all.

stomach pains.
a dull throb in my head.
i'm not healthy, i'm not doing well, and i'm bloody surviving just because my body includes a nervous system tht deters me from doing anything to myself. though it's not as if it's a strong deterrence.

ah, i'm so gna end up like her.

i need to stop my miss sunshine act,
so that i can embrace my inner dark emotions (sounds familiar?)
and tolerate them, and move on,
and ultimately feel better.

nahs. lols. i wouldn't be able to switch on and off.
in too deep.
not like i haven't tried it before,
so i'd know.

the stomach pains are getting worse.
the throbbing is imba now.

damn.

swing swing ;
7:29 PM;

Daijoubu,
my worries will go away soon. ♥

swing swing ;
1:00 AM;

blog has turned all funny and weird, because im posting stupid posts.
i advise you to skip the past few posts and go on to more normal posts.

snuggle snuggle rofl.
snuggle against haiwei.
quite fun. o.o

ah. you say nono, i say yesyes.
you toot. you think i stupid, i think you MORE stupid. HAHAHA.
you think we stupid, we gonna make you REGRET you ever thought we were stupid.

now if only i had more time..

quite angsty today again. dno why.
will just keep quiet, cus im ever the tortured silent type,
and nobody understands meee. HAHAHA.
nahs, just being stupid.
will rant on and on about my feelings,
how i see the glimmer of hope,
and how the glimmer of hope is gone again,
but i don't think anyone would be interested.

i need to take care of my bloody health.
what have i told myself?! i said i can juggle if i want to, i said i can multitask,
and that's called pro,
but i'm only coming out as a noob.

am too tired, too distracted,
I WANT MAGNIFYING GLASS TO FOCUS HAHAHA.

and please, im calling out to you, my very limited willpower,
PLEASE, JUST PLEASE, let me get through this.

i want to prove to myself that i can stay NOT distracted.
i want to prove to myself that i can ACHIEVE what i think of as dreams.
then, i can prove to OTHERS.

I STRONG AR!
GOT MUSCLES! (my head -.-)
CHIONG ARRR!

swing swing ;
10:56 PM;

swing swing ;
2:02 AM;

And now he is Mr Hers, but wishing he wasn't.

Buy me a magnifying glass please,
Hell knows I need to focus.

I have no idea why I keep doing this.
I've gotta be consistent,
well,
at least, try to be.
Even if my entire life had been built on inconsistency.

(Not consistent, not reliable wor.)

When I'm consistent,
I will be able to control better.
I will be able to..
GOD.
You have to stop looking down on me.

And I guess I have to prove myself.
But I ain't being consistent!

Nahs, I believe I can do it.
Shall bet with myself,

From now, 920pm, till I sleep.
That much, I can do, right?

GOGOGO.

swing swing ;
9:16 PM;

im a patriotic llama! :D

too late, the sky has fallen, the glass slipper is broken,
and the happy ending a happily never after.

we'll neverrrrrrrrrrrr win.
never ever never ever never ever im kind of frustrated can you tell?
im tempted to tell 100 gb, im tempted to spill my guts out to her, she's concerned after all,
but i'd bloody cry in front of her, and she'd bloody feel sympathy towards me,
SYMPATHY.
and i'd bloody hate everything even more.

im done spilling my guts out to tchrs.
everytime i do tht, i end up nowhere, or somewhere, with more despair, yea, this is rare, im starting to rhyme like a idiot leh~
(rofl tht was funny)

you people have to stop talking about it.
it doesn't help.
really.
it makes things worse,

YOU. reasoning with him every single wrong, every single injustice, don't help lor.
he's not the one without reason.
YOU. encouraging her, not helping lor.
you all complain to each other, got use meh?

look at me,
im sitting here doing my hmwk (or blogging),
in denial,
and im happy!

DO IT LA. DO THE RIGHT THING! BE A MAN! OR A WOMAN! -.-
or if you dont want to be a man OR a woman, i nthg to say.
JUST SHUT UP, we'll deal with it when it comes.
bitching doesn't help lo. you have to keep a peaceful state of mind,
not complaining until all you can think about is the unhappy stuff.
must kan kai yi dian (see open one point. rofl)
take it easy man.

or if you dont want to,
just make sure i dont hear you people.
it's annoying.

sooner or later the nut will go even more nuts,
then she'll hurt someone,
(hopefully it's not me)

ya lor, wait long long lor.

what's with me and the singaporean language.
im a true blue singaporean leh.
so patriotic, today wear red and white also.
ahaha, and sing majulah singapura and recite the pledge lor.
with my right fist over my heart.
and then sing alot of national day songs lor.
and then hor,
i totally talk like those sing-ka-por-li-en lor.

wah,
i become nuts liao lor.
i go byebye liao,
:D

swing swing ;
10:32 PM;

tomorrow.
tomorrow, i swear, i will be a better person.
(i'm starting to become like you. i wanna be myself.)

tomorrow, i swear, i will put my indignance into action.
tomorrow, i swear, YOU WILL NEVER SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.

tomorrow, i swear, i deal with my problems, i don't let them affect my performance in other areas.
tomorrow, i swear, i will be strong instead of weak.
tomorrow, i swear, i will prove to you that i am worthy of your stupid respect.
(not like i need it, but to have you practically sneering at me, is making my blood boil.)

tomorrow, i swear, you will see the best side of me.
(i may be ugly, i may be unloved by many, but i have the brains to handle my stress properly, and i'm gna use them to my full capability.)

tomorrow, i swear, i will have better control over my emotions and my actions.
tomorrow, i swear, i will stop mutilating, stop moping, start taking action.

tomorrow, i swear, i will be a better person.

but, will tomorrow come?

swing swing ;
10:50 PM;

patpat.
there's still hope.
you can do it, my dear. (:

jiayouuuuuuuuuuuuuu! :D

swing swing ;
9:14 PM;

jennie
you
suck
TT

swing swing ;
10:45 PM;

Nobody loves me. ):

swing swing ;
2:59 PM;