I found happiness these couple months - small, simple.

Then I lose it all again.

No particular reason, actually.

Just feeling as if I'm drifting, going everywhere, but nowhere, again.

Existential crisis. It happened in the past, it happens again.

I threw this big party the other night. It took up quite a lot of energy. As a host, I was too nervous and frazzled to give a damn about how I looked, so now I moan at all the pictures taken. And there are plenty, believe you me.

Damn it, wrong outfit choice. Grr.

Anyway, the party had been for me. Decided on a whim, random, out of nowhere, just like me.

The gifts were awesome, I was seriously blown away. I seldom truly like gifts, accepting them because I believe that it's the thought that counts. But this time, woah.

Had invited many different groups of people, and also made sure that every single guest would not be alone.

Got pretty zzz by the end of the night because my energy was running out. And no matter how hard I try, I just can't function in a big group. I connect with individuals. Too many people unnerve me.

And of course, I'm not going to reveal any names, but certain things that happened just sort of upset me. Put up a good front though, I don't think anyone realised.

Don't order me around. Know your place. I'm your host. There are basic social rules to follow.

Anyway, I didn't enjoy the party as much as I thought I would. Great seeing everyone again, of course, but, well, it was just so much work and even though it had generally been a success, I got upset at the end of the night so it hadn't exactly been worth it.

Guest lists from now on must be considered carefully.

The sleepover afterwards was awesome though. I love my girls <3

**

Watched Breaking Dawn Part I today. It was utter crap.

I don't know, I don't exactly have high expectations. But it was just crap. I actually want to be free from my mild OCD so I don't feel compelled to watch the last movie next year.

So goddamn slow. A kiss after another. GDI I wanted to storm out of the theatre right there and then, it was THAT bad. Was the book that bad? Is it really true that the book may have been decent but it wasn't suitable to be made into a movie? That there would be no better way to present the movie?

I actually think the movie can be better. Sigh.

Anyway the night ended on a melancholy note. Had too much on my mind.

But calm and serenity is the way to go. I need to find and get back my little pocket of happiness.

Can't wait to line up more programs into my schedule, actually. I rather I be frazzled by all the activities around me and learning and experiencing than being in a constant state of immobility. I need to move, I need to explore, I need to go.

I need to grow up.